I’ve found myself in many relationships where I’ve been taken advantage of, lied to, etc. by the people I was the closest to- parents, my boyfriend, and most recently my best friend of 17 years. I never felt like this really affected other relationships in my life; but recently I realized that I haven’t gotten close to anyone for awhile now, and when I look at the big picture I know it’s because I’m afraid of letting people in out of fear of getting hurt. Sometimes I feel that it would be a lot easier to just keep to myself, but at the same time I don't want to miss out on any valuable relationships God may be trying to place in my life. I want to be open to new relationships, but it is becoming increasingly hard to let my guard down. What advice do you have for letting go of past hurts and being more trusting?
Ashley
Fort Lauderdale, FL
Dear Ashley,
It is very hard to deal with betrayal by the people closest to you. Many disappointments come on different levels throughout our lives, but nothing hurts worse than when it comes from the people that we love, and those that are supposed to love us in return.
The first thing you need to do is ask yourself: Have I forgiven this person who has hurt me? I mean, have you really allowed God to heal your pain? Before you can heal, you have got to forgive. Now, forgiveness doesn't necessarily mean total relationship restoration. However, it does mean being able to love in spite of your pain, and be genuinely kind to your offender. If you have not forgiven, ask the Lord to allow you to fully forgive. You will know when you have forgiven because you will not feel weighed down by guilt and the joy of the Lord will be felt as an internal peace.
Secondly, you must ask God to heal you. He's your Father so you can be honest when you tell Him how you feel. Ask Him to take away your hurt and pain. He won’t necessarily take away the memory, but He can take away the pain from the memory. Ask Him to adjust your perspective so that you may understand why it had to happen.
While it’s hard to endure the hurt from loved ones, I’ve found that God uses the people closest to us for testing and pruning (Psalm 66:10). We have got to remember that it is our job to love and pray for those who despitefully use us, trusting in God to provide for our needs.
Although you have been hurt, it is not wise to live in fear because whether you realize it or not, refusing to allow anyone to get close to you is the manifestation of fear. The bible tells us that God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind (2 Tim 1:7). You are right; operating in fear of being hurt could cause you to miss out on some great relationships that God is trying to bring into your life. You must begin to believe that every relationship; good or bad is divinely ordained and will all work together for you good. The bible tells us that the man who trusts in the Lord does not fear evil tidings but confidently trusts in the Lord for protection (Psalm 112:7).
Ashley, I pray and hope that you will allow God to heal your pain. I also pray that you will move beyond fear and begin to truly trust and depend on the Lord for guidance and protection in your life. I can testify that although you will experience pain in this life, He will never fail you nor forsake you (Joshua 1:5).
God Bless you,
Wynter
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